It ain't life.

What should I ramble about today...

I just realized I can write this off-line! I am still in the ice-age with my Internet connection. I get what I can afford. I guess today , since I feel so crappy I will explain why? And it is a very weird list! My main concern right now, well I have two of them. The number one is my depression is so bad, I am having a hard time justifying wanting to continue this way. Besides being physically ill, I hate the place I live. My whole life I swore I would never come back to this area and live. Guess where I am? I had my own life for twenty years away from here, and now I have to figure out a way to get out of here before it does kill me. I really thought after I healed from the Surgical infection in 2004, that took over a year of having to live with my Mum, getting stuffed with yards of gauze four times a day, because the cut across my lower abdomen to get the plumbing out became infected, In and out of the Mayo for six months.Living with a parent, Not a good situation. Things began to spiral, gained weight, went through partial hospitalization for my depression . That is ,after I was released from the loony bin. Did get my own apartment in town. Decided to have Gastric By-Pass Surgery.And that was the real downfall of my existence! My weight was 330 when I had the procedure, and I have not felt good since. My blood pressure was out of control, my back and knees where about to blow, I was physically miserable, and emotionally lost. This is what the surgery did for me, I lost weight. That is all. I still have uncontrollable blood pressure, severe depression. I can not eat anything with out getting sick. I no longer have a stomach because the pouch that was left after surgery was to ulcerated to save. A second surgery removed that. Now I am looking at a third surgery to correct what is the problem now. Which a few things could be the cause, but no one knows, because it shouldn't be this bad. Going on three years of pick lines, feeding tubes, iron infusions, shots, and throw in a coma, add about a dozen small strokes since last August, migraines that are more frequent and severe than ever before. And rock bottom depressed. Even the depression is more layered... before it was just me, keep to myself, shut the world out. With working, I am angry, mean, so judgemental. Just so tired of trying to put a good face forward, lately I am failing miserably. I don't want any ones help, and I want to leave work and just be alone. Ans I know my depression goes along with how I feel physically. I just feel that everyday is such a burden. I feel like I am drowning.

I make all these plans, grow these great idea's, that where they stay , just idea's on paper.

My Community Garden Project, my on-line knit shoppe, my art projects...almost finished.

I did dream up my own garden and got it done, but it was an escape. The only beautiful one I have right now.

As I look at my third surgery to be the last cure by my surgeons hands,my primary is saying I will always have chronic health problems because of my reaction to these surgeries. I have no idea what to think... I am tired , and so restless.

What makes everything so much worse is I love to cook, I love new recipes, I can't eat anything and enjoy it.

I try, get sick, throw it away. Don't have the energy to can the veggies in the garden or make the jellies, so everything is just getting given away.

And I know this self pity tirade is not right, I should consider myself lucky yo have a roof over my head, food in the pantry, a flexible job. Just add more guilt onto everything else.

I have lost weight, I forgot about that, today I weight 130 pounds. Was it worth it? No.